Feelings

As it gets closer and closer to Karter's procedure I find myself feeling many different things.

Sad- Mostly for myself. I'm sad that this is even happening. Karter has no clue, yet. I will probably tell him early next week that he will be going to the doctor and they will be looking at his heart while he sleeps. I'm sure he won't fully understand but I feel it is better to tell him something instead for just taking him there without his brother, early in the morning and him not understanding what is going on at all. Sad that I have to hand my baby over to doctors and nurses again. Sad that after all we have been through with their early birth we are having to deal with this.

Mad-I feel mad because we are having to go through this. That Karter is having to go through this. I realize that this is considered a very mild procedure I understand that, however when it's your child you just really wish you didn't have to deal with it at all. I must admit that I feel a little mad at God as well. I want him to just fix it, take it away so none of us have to deal with it. He can do it He is the master physician He can heal anything.

Thankful-I feel so thankful that my boys survived their prematurity with really no lasting affects. I feel so thankful that Karter does not have something more serious. There could be so much more that it could have been, yet it is something that can be easily fixed. I am thankful to God for their lives.

Karter has had and will have many people praying for him. He is in good hands. I ask that you do send prayer and positive thoughts mine and Jimmy's way as we hand our child over to someone other than trusted family members. Someone who will be putting something in our sons heart. The very heart that beats and gives him life. I know that a lot of people don't understand that life changing ride that prematurity and the NICU is, it changes you, it changes the way you would have parented. It robs you of the experience that you were supposed to have, that you were entitled to have and it throws you into a situation that you don't really know how to handle. No parent should have to see their hour old baby who is not even supposed to be out of the womb yet have a tube shoved down their throat. Or needles stuck all over their bodies, needles that are literally almost as big as their fingers.

I only tell you this because while I realize how blessed we are to have these two wonderful boys it does add insult to injury that this is even happening. Granted it is mostly Jimmy and I that are still "injured" from their birth and following months, but none the less it stinks.

I'm sure a year from now I will only be remembering this time as I remember their NICU time. Just something that we went through that made us stronger. Stronger as a family, stronger in Christ, just stronger.