Friday, August 31, 2007

I have twins. His brother is at home.

That is what I found myself wanting to say today when I went to Lowes to get these just Karter and I. Jimmy and I try to have one on one time with each of the boys. Several weeks back I took Kolton somewhere it was Karter's turn this time. Each time I go with just one of them, I think to myself, these people don't even know he has a twin at home. They think he is just one of one and not one of two. I don't know why, as much as I hear "are they twins" you would think that it would be nice for people just to talk to him because he's such a cute boy and not because he's a twin. However when the woman was speaking to him at the check out line I had this overwhelming urge to just announce out of the blue that he was in fact a twin and that his brother was home spending one on one time with his daddy. I am proud to be a mother of twins, maybe it's just that even though it's nice to spend time with each of them alone, there is a feeling that something or someone is missing.

Now for some pictures. For those of you who don't like pictures of kids with food on their face, well you just might close your browsers now. I agree it's gross on most kids, but these are mine so it's ok. To clean the mess up however was not ok, and they didn't like it either.

Mmmm! Ravioli

"I said I was done now, didn't you hear me?"

Funny how he managed to get it everywhere except around his eyes. Looks like he had glasses or something on and has taken them off after the fact.

Just let me put a little here, in my ear, to save for later.

And now after all the cuteness, something sad. We had to put Rufus to sleep on Wednesday. He was not getting better. In fact I had requested on Monday to have his feeding tube removed in hopes that it was he just hated it and would want to eat without it. No such luck, he did not eat for two days. He acted happier and purred and seemed content, however I could not just let him starve to death, which is what he would have done. So I made the dreaded appointment with the vet. I had every intention of taking Rufus myself. You see I believe that in the end we owe them to be there for them as they leave this earth. I have seen this done many a time when I worked at the vet. I even stood in for those owners who just couldn't be there either emotionally or physically as their best friend passed, but I had never had to do it for one of my own. I had taken care of Rufus through all of this, but I just couldn't go down there and do it. I knew what was going to happen I knew all the steps the vet would take and besides I told myself this was actually Jimmy's cat and he needed to be with him when he went because Rufus loved him more. The vet ended up asking Jimmy if he could do an autopsy to see exactly what it was that was killing him. He called with the results that it was lung cancer. Huh? Lung cancer in a cat who had never been around smoke or anything harmful to the lungs for that matter. The vet later called back and stated that he was not entirely comfortable just calling it lung cancer that another disease displayed the same signs and he would like to make sure it was not this other thing, Histoplasmosis that killed him, because as he told me and as I later searched it is contagious to others, people included, even though it's very rare. So, we are waiting for those results. With all that said I have handled it rather well, I loved Rufus, but he was Jimmy's cat more than mine, I do however feel I failed him in someways. I believe that I would have made an awesome vet. I really do think I would have rocked at it. Evey since I was 5 thats what I wanted to be. I don't know why I never did it. I have a very good instinct about animal things. I asked several times if we should do x-rays just to see it there was not something else there, like CANCER. The doctor just kinda shunned if off saying it would not tell us much about the liver, which is what we thought was affected. I wish and next time I will be more persistent with the things that I really feel need to be done. It did not stop me for asking him again if we should do them, however I figured he's the vet he knows what he's doing. It don't blame the vet, he treated him correctly for what we thought he had, but I do feel guilty for not insisting when my gut was telling me differently and for putting him through the feeding tube and antibiotics all just to prolong his death. To end this rather long post, I learned several things from this. One being next time I will follow my instincts. I've done it before and it usually proves to be correct. My three legged kitty is a testament to that. Follow my instincts whether it be with my kids or my animals. Two know when to say when. Several times through this ordeal I felt the doctor was giving me hope that Rufus could make it. My heart told me differently. And now as I look at the last picture I took of Rufus I can tell he was tired and weary and I feel awful for failing him. I'm sorry Rufus. We had 9 good years with you even though you were a weird cat we loved you.

About 6 years ago

4 or 5 years ago

2 days ago


Judy Ipock said...

Brandy, my heart goes out to you about Rufus. I have always admired that beautiful spirit you have for animals. I don't know why I wasn't given that gift, but I think you got mine and yours. lol. God has a special blessing waiting in heaven for you for being such a watchman over his creations. I think it is never too late to chase your dreams, and with your devotion to your family and their's to you you could still be a Vetinarian or as Bryan puts it Petinarian.

Eva said...

So sorry about your cat!

I always feel the same way when I'm out with just one, it's hard not to say, his twin sister's at home! Sometimes when my husband and I go out and split up, we bet each other about resisting saying it!

The food photos are so cute. They are looking like such big boys!

Dara Lee said...

I am so sorry about Rufus. I completely understand as my cat just went too. They are just little furry children, aren't they?

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who wants to tell the world there are two of them! I do that all the time... He's a twin... I think it's because I feel so lazy when I only have one boy compared to when I have all three. Like I have an extra arm or something that's not really doing anything.

Food pictures are cute! I love when you find it in their ears and their diapers. But how he managed to avoid his eyes is beyond me. That's where mine go first.

lesleysmeshly said...

Those photos are so adorable!!!! I am so sorry about Rufus.

I too feel that way when I'm out with only one. I thought it was weird...I'm glad I'm not the only one. We need to make a tshirt for twins that says ' my other half is at home ' or something. =)