Sunday, February 01, 2009

The Post I Didn't Really Want to Write.

Hmm... I'm not really sure how or what I want to say. I do want to be honest though. Let's start with Karter was NOT healed by God. No matter how bad that sounds and how much I wish it were true, recent findings have proven otherwise.

Let me start from the beginning. Shortly after we and the doctor for that matter thought Karter's PDA was healed, I heard the murmur again. I say I heard it because I have a stethoscope that the boys play with sometimes and they were listening to my heart and each others. When they asked me to listen to theirs I did and I thought I heard the same murmur in Karter's heart, but I dismissed it thinking I didn't because how could I, God had healed him. However, being that I believe that it is my and Jimmy's responsibility to make sure our kids are safe and healthy I had to have it checked out.

This was in early November. The boys had a flu shot scheduled for a few days after I had heard the murmur and so I asked our Pediatrician to take a listen. He had just assumed we had had the procedure done, but when I explained that it had not been done and I was trying to have Faith and speak what I wanted. I told him that he had been healed, and then he heard the murmur. I felt kinda stupid. And a little mad at God, ok who am I kidding I felt a lot mad at God. I called Jimmy and told him the devastating news. We asked the doctor to schedule us another appointment to have another echo cardiogram.

The appointment was made for January 29. Over the two months or so I would periodically listen and I always heard the murmur. My mind was reeling how could this be? How could God give something and then take it back. That was not the God I knew. Was this an attack from Satan? Our pastor seemed to think so. So I desperately clung on to that thinking that it was just an attack, that his PDA was healed and the echo would prove to me that God in fact had healed Karter. However as time went by I began to come to the realization that this was probably not so. All evidence pointed to the PDA being there, but I hung on until about 2 weeks before his Echo appointment and then I just gave up basically. I gave up the fact that God had healed Karter in fact I have pretty much given up the idea that you only have to ask and you will receive. This has not been true for me or others in my family for that fact. I had more faith than a grain of mustard seed. We had done as God had instructed us to do in James 5:14. The Bible says that the are all ours to have, however we were unable to obtain it.

I have to be honest that this greatly discouraged me. The echo as Jimmy and I suspected showed the PDA in all it's glory. The doctor stated that he and his colleagues do not really know what happened. That according to his ear and the echo on October 16, the day of his procedure, the PDA was closed. He couldn't explain what happened, but thinks, as we do that Karter needs to have the PDA ligation. So Karter will be having a procedure to close his PDA sometime soon. The heart doctors will be getting back to us with that time and date.

I so didn't want to come back to you all after we had told everyone about God's healing hand and say that oops, God didn't heal our son. While I do believe that there are healing sometimes, I'm not sure they work as the bible says. I know that may worry my friends and family, don't worry I still believe in God. I still love God. I have a lot of thinking to do about this. I have a lot of questions that I need to find answers too.

I don't like that I've been confronted with this, that it has given me many questions to which I don't have answers. I feel a little silly for having said he was healed and if fact he was not. However, I felt it very important to be real about this to put it all out there. Don't think for a second that the thought didn't cross my mind to not write about any of it. To just let everyone think he had been healed and he is fine. I don't want to feel fake so this is our truth.

We have come to term with the PDA and the procedure. We have done our research on both and feel confident in what has to be done.


Eva said...

I'm so sorry to hear that he has to have the procedure after the joy of thinking he would not need to. Do not, though, feel silly -- the DOCTORS thought he was better and you had every reason to think that he was. My thoughts will be with him.

Soralis said...

So sorry to hear that he has to go through a procedure. Yuck. I can't imagine how confusing it must be for you after being told he was healed. Take care and good luck

Lily said...

I wish I could just reach through the web and give you a great big hug. I'm so sorry your little guy has to go through this.

God does hear our prayers, and it's distinctly possible that there is a reason he wasn't healed. It could be that your contact with one of the doctors or nurses- or another parent in the waiting room- is part of God's plan. Maybe you're supposed to share your testimony of God's grace in your lives. It's hard to say, and I wouldn't have wanted to post what you did-- but keep in mind Romans 8:28-- "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

I will keep your family in prayer.

Lyndi said...

I stumbled upon your blog (I don't know what I clicked on mine, but it sent me here!). Anyway, I am sorry about the diagnosis of your son, it is so hard to know your child needs any type of medical intervention. I will pray for healing on your son and comfort for your family. What I've read so far, you sound like you have a wonderful family. Keep your faith in God. He WILL bring you all through this. Congrats on the new baby to be!!